Detrimental Josh

I think I'm considering Fullerton again... maybe I should finish where I started? I dropped that math class yet again... it's literally the only thing holding me back from transferring anywhere... maybe I'm purposely doing it? Or I could just be a mathematical idiot... that's probably true.

It's kind of cool to see how one very tragic grotesque slip up can reaffirm what we've known all along. At least mine was foreign and hitleresque?

Ohhh, Vegas, Monterrey, and San Francisco ? I can't take it!

I thought I was supposed to be saving for my house?

Oopsie!

Yes yes yes!

:)

It's always been a game really, but I've become accustomed to the rules. I created everything around me, even my own obstacles for whatever sadomasochistic reason... but I've enjoyed every moment.

I know every one of my flaws, and I can see through people so easily.I know exactly how everything is going to pan out, and I can even give you 3 alternate endings.

Let's all play god... and run to heaven!

But heaven wasn't made for you.

You get second dibs

and even then

you're out

of luck.

xoxo

Oh honey you are just digging in for a trick! No more treats for you...

I still want revenge. But what difference does it make? Maybe you guys are into that kind of thing. You probably didn't think I'd come out on top, and don't even go there because I could still use my bag of tricks.

Always always trust your instincts, and cut the bitch when you see fit.

I suppose a part of me is doing what I said I would never do, but if I'm really into changing for the better sometimes I have to be the bigger person.

It's good seeing things back to normalcy, so normal we're apart now...just like the first few months. This should be a good thing...could be a good thing...is a good thing. I am 100% sure of what I want, and from what I've seen you're finally getting back to that point... I'm giving back now for all the other times you should have left.


Thanks for the solidifying what I already knew.

God Don't Like Ugly

I know, that everything happens for a reason and yet I don't believe in fate.

I was trying to get through to you, and finally you answered. But I think you're still hanging on, and that makes me a fool. I need a remedy, I did the seeking now you destroy.

Somethings gotta give, your lifeline's been redeemed, it's do or die.

Why am I resorting to Nielesque behavior?

I swear I'd never act this way, but fuck I'm a Ramirez...it's bound to happen right?

Oh Geez, a part of me wants to lash out and scream... but what exactly will that do?

This has opened my eyes to so many things, why be seductive in your friendships? Why overstate the obvious?

Truth will tell, and that is that.

I'm not stupid, well just a tad, but you're the idiot reading this.

So all day, it's been constant talk, and seeing how people respond. Hmm, why am I not as shocked like everyone else? A part of me knew this was coming. My past entries have been kind of coded, or maybe foreshadowing what was to come. I won't deny the tears, or that overwhelming feeling that comes and goes(breaking down in front of your supervisor isn't exactly healthy or professional), but it's a part of me growing up.

For once in my life I got what I wanted, it had it's good run and it came to an end. and I'm okay with that, as hard as it is to type and think, I'm going to be okay. I should be the first to know given my profession that everything comes to an end whether I like it or not.

I'm finally challenged again, and that's a good thing. Things get clearer while others blur out, everything is an opportunity.

I can whine, mope and obsess, and I'm sure I will, but I need to keep focus of a greater picture.

*sigh*

Where have I been hiding?

Alas the Saga had to end. I'm no longer a Dupree, we broke up.

Commence project self improvement.

Ugh, please don't let this get ugly.

This work week has been utter shit!!! Poo I tell you.

It seems like more so than ever, my poor career decisions have been getting the best of me. Ultimately though, I wouldn't change a thing, but still I can dream of a more fulfilling job!

I know I've only been in class for 3 weeks but I have an A in Algebra..whaaaaaat? I have my first chapter test on Monday though, it was cute while it lasted!

There's a college rep coming to my work next week, basically its a University of Phoenix(Concordia) scam getting all the Mortuary Science people excited because they can use their Associate Degree credits towards their B.A, of course the only major offered is Business Administration, and it's a sneaky sneaky way of getting our company more Bachelors in business...and essentially make more revenue for them. If the Hills forks over the $1400 per class tuition I would so sell my soul I suppose, but this is the hills I'm talking about, and they'd rather invest their money in shutting down other businesses. How American.

No news in the housing dept. We've pretty much hit a road block, and eventually we'll get there. I'm not bringing it up to Tommy anymore because I get the vibe that he could care less, and it gets me all frustrated and my craziness kicks in. So for now, I'll wait it out and hope all the other pieces magically fit, "Si no se pudo, pues no se pudo"

Just brush it off.

So I'm giving up. I don't think this house thing is going to work out at all. And I'm beginning to think that there's been some odd divine intervention going on in my life lately, and it fucking thrills me and scares me all at once.


Don't ask.

I'm starting over soon. I hope this is me I'm finding.

Something still isn't right. Something bad is in the air, and I don't mean smoke, I hope it thins away.

I want to fast forward to two years... just to see how this all works out, I'll promise to be kind and rewind.


I insist on dwelling on Alemania.

I think in all honesty I had a case of cold feet.

With the house purchase right around the corner, and the idea of being completely devoted to one establishment is kind of terrifying. I mean granted Tommy and I have been living together for over two years, I think it's perfectly normal to question everything right? It's part of relationships, and having doubts and or fears, I think only makes me human.

So the German kind of shook my world a bit. Only in the sense that I could have an alternative life. And things could be completely different. I'm pretty stickler in saying that everything happens for a reason, and I'm pretty convinced that the German was kind of a reminder that I need to establish two versions of myself, because I think I'm so stuck in routine and comfort that I forget to appreciate everyone around me, especially Tommy. And I've completely let go of my own independence too. I'm completely to blame for that, because I've basically just tagged along with Tommy and his friends as of lately forgetting the other people around me. In a sense though I use that as an excuse to the fact that most of the people I use to hang out with were pretty shady, and not exactly friends but merely a party crew.

On the other hand I think I'm in this transition stage of my life, I'm making up for lost time in school. I'm somewhat a career lady, stuck in the wrong job but none the less it pays the bills and can be gratifying sometimes. I need to be creative with my relationship, as of lately I've been pretty distant, continuously crunching numbers, studying( well just a little), and obsessing over the new house.

I have to keep reminding myself to not sabotage the good that I have. Old habits die hard, and I can't swear off the cynical and detrimental part of me, but I have to remember that the ones in my life deserve all the love, especially my little Tommy, I'm such a douche most times but I swear I love that boy like no other.

I had this really emotional dream, re-connections of all sorts and it was creepy as hell.

I wish I could say what I've been thinking, but I have this odd instinct to hold it in. I suppose some secrets are taken to the grave, but I never thought I could be that way. A part of me wants to run away to my fantasy hinterland.

I keep thinking about how at one point I thought I was on top of the world, and now I realize that there is so much shit I still need to do, but how do you get all of it done?

I'm a walking time bomb, and not in that grotesque creepy killer way either, to explode or implode? that is the question.

and then there's my superficial life. School, Work, School, Work. Granted the last few weeks have been lazy days, and that's probably what triggers all these thoughts.

I need to keep busy, make money and pretend to be happy.

I've slowly become my own best friend, but I don't even trust myself.

Oi, how narcissistic!

I have to learn to be more selfish, and always prepare for the worst.

I *heart* Isaac.

As long as Riots around my legs will never be the same... Scratches galore!


...There's times where Im dying for a fast forward button and sometimes things just dont last as long as they should.


Give me Cash yeah?

Just a little gay friendship go ahead read along


what time you off?
11:31pmChan

10

as always

haha
11:32pmJoshua

Ugh well i work Tues-Fri but im off sat sun monday tuesday of next week holla!
11:32pmChan

well i will be at comic con on wed-sunday

haha
11:33pmJoshua

Your love for me has dclearly faded

clearly*
11:34pmChan

haha

wtf

i've been planning comic con for months
11:35pmJoshua

one of these days Chan your heart will feel the pain i do

haha
11:35pmChan

haha

lame

you and john seem to be awfully close now

is he my replacement

HMMMMMM

i see how you work
11:35pmJoshua

Oh HELL to the NO!

no you didnt

mmmhmmm

texting queen

mmhmm
11:36pmChan

come correct

haha
11:36pmJoshua

e was down the table!

he*

mmmhmm
11:36pmChan

haha who?
11:36pmJoshua

Posing for the camera with HIM? mmhmm

haha
11:37pmChan

stephen?

haha

its just a stupid straight guy crush

i will be over it soon like most of my crushes
11:38pmJoshua

How dare you speak his name

in my house?!
11:38pmChan

hahaha
11:38pmJoshua

its its clearly more its ripped us apart!!!!
11:38pmChan

haha

it is what it is

come correct




And that's why Chan is no longer my "it" girl.

So I went to KFC and what the fuck? Why did I get grilled chicken... this shit is awful ugh. It's such a fucking waste of chicken. Bahh.

Did I mention I dropped my Math Class? I sooo fucking failed my first exam, I didnt even get a 50%... So I opted to drop which is fine anyway because there are no new transfers for the Spring to the Cal State system...and therefore I can do my original program next fall at East Bay.

Um, the last two weeks Ive been waiting for my rapid rescore... they originally told me it was a 48 hour response...and then it turned into oh only another day or two...and two weeks later I'm waiting. Either they're doing some shady shit to make my credit score higher...or they're really bad at breaking bad news!

This weekend Tommy and I house hunted in the Rancho, Fontana area just to see what our money could get us... But no, I can't manage a drive like that...granted I only work 4 days anyway but Tommy would have to drive an hour...and it would get old quick.

I swear I had something important to say too... but whatevs.

25.

How fun I think.

So I ditched the last half of my Math class, I know I know, I shouldn't really be missing anything and I did get a 68 on my quiz! and I do have a test tomorrow! But this slave needed a break from the master that is school! I ended up going to Life Plaza with Chan and Khalifah... and hell yes I didnt even have to pay! Khalifah even bought me a Strawberry Cheesecake Crepe holla!

...don't read ahead if you're not into cryptic sappy messages.

So, I know. Like I keep track of it every now and then. I suppose it is a bit stalkerish of me. But you can't just let go of someone you shared history with right? So ever since I found out its been on my mind every now and then. How you plan, in your head, you play out a certain situation and you see your friends along with your future. But when it really happens, and you're no part of it...it's kind of disturbing right? It's fucking sick...and it sucks and it makes you question everything and everyone, and how easily things drift...but it's not exactly easy or quick but it's an ongoing thing. But then I know I made the right decision, because I think being away is the best thing for both of us. She doesn't need me dragging her down, and she should have that life if it's what she chose. And I have no right to be intrusive and say anything at all. And that's what it really is. I learned to keep my mouth shut, even when you ask me not to. And I dont say the things I mean to say...I do miss you, and I do hope you're good. I'll be on the sidelines rooting.

*end scene*

I'm over school, but I'm way over work so the prior must continue. What was I thinking? Why am I drowning in piles of dead ass and dead ass juice? I was hoping Michael Jackson would use our mortuary so I could pretend my job has some glamour in it..., but ugh nobody famous ever comes to the Hills!

I've neglected my poor little journal, but I made the poor decision to buy a McDonald's Iced Mocha, and somehow I'm still functioning on minimal sleep, so I'm working the Caffeine out!

The house thing is actually developing further, from the last update I've paid everything off...and I'm getting re-scored tomorrow... so perhaps by this weekend...oi the fear!

My Algebra class will be the death of me, and memories of High school fill my mind as I relearn equations I once hated with a passion. I think my last year of schooling actually has been my own slap in the face. I think there's something wrong with general education requirements in our school system... but I suppose everyday I'm one step closer to that damn paper!

Tommy's great as usual, the Pug has developed a hostility towards me...but I think she's just sexually frustrated.

I have to remind myself of the good things in my life...and make time to enjoy them.

How after school special of me!

But it's true.

I have one account left to pay and ironically it's University of Phoenix, gross. Why did I ever want to pay 1600 a class!!? Laziness gets you nothing.

So, if being a Marriage and Family Therapist doesn't work out, and if I ever lose my embalmers license, I'm so opening a credit counseling company, and doing everyone's nasty work... You would think people would want to cooperate especially since you're giving them ridiculous amounts of money...and you know considering the millions of times they called before in an attempt to collect...whatevs, lesson learned 24 year old Joshua is kicking 18 year old Joshuas ass.

Fingers crossed by Tuesday I will have all I need for my rapid rescore, and fingers crossed tighter I can finally get into contract for my house, and start packing!!

But nothing ever really goes as planned, right? Maybe just this once??

My summer session starts on Monday... Math, Psychology and another Sociology class in the works... oi oi oi, I already checked my Psychology class and I dont have any papers...lets hope Sociology goes the same way? Cal Poly isnt very clear on their core classes for a Psych major..and their Soc major makes no sense to me. assist.org is only confusing me and I need answers...

I go back to work tomorrow, for a day...and then I'm off a week. According to my calender I'm supposed to be moving already but you see what happens when you're optimistic? I could have canceled my vacation but, I feel lazy as usual. It's my parents birthday weekend anyway, so I should be open for them.

Anyway,22 21ish more days for my Birthday, the whopping 25...woot woot?

Start saving I need Lowes gift cards and cash please!

So I was expecting a different report card... I figured I got 2B's and an C this semester... and considering two of my classes were online and I can actually see their grade books I'm a bit confused.

English 103 (Composition and Critical Thinking) A
Art 199 (Motion Picture Appreciation) C
History 107 ( Political and Social History of the U.S) B

How did I get an A? and my art and history grades are totally switched, I bet you they mixed those up!
I still kept my 3.0 promise though right?

I've been on hold for 17 minutes attempting to pay off a collection agency, um you'd think they would be desperate for a call like this???


Bastards.

...Bye spring semester you were awful.

Hello Chrissy Poo, serenade me tomorrow yea?

Not only has my down payment issue been cleared, but I got an A on my Capote paper?

What shit is this?!

Does anybody have $11,000 laying around? I'll pay you back Early February. Really though I will. Anyone?

I don't think we'll ever get a house, unless everything works out perfect. But really does that happen?


For now I'll enjoy what I do have, and I need to learn to stop focusing on what I don't have.

Semesters almost over, I think a 3.0 is still attainable but who really knows. I have yet another paper due for English but it should be a breeze, Death of a Salesman blows!

So Tommy and I have been getting a bit more serious about buying a house...and it's like the closer we get to it the less finances become available? ...instead of saving it's like the money is going. Granted debt is being paid, but fuck who knew 3% could be s expensive?

I usually set myself up for disappointment. How optimistic of me though.

I have 3 goals this weekend

History Paper on Amistad
another History Paper/Final
and an English Rough Draft


Who has time for a social life?

I live my life through Bootz Durango.

Ugh, I didnt even drink excessively yet my head throbs!

I finally met it_cant_be_done He was wonderful!

Ugh, I still have a research paper to do.

Ahhhhh.

I just bought my tickets, fuck yes!

Work week beat my fucking ass, not only that but a very busy academic schedule! All this shit better be worth it.

Mormon deaths at work have like tripled... there were so many pairs of magical undies oi! I suppose that's less votes against gays but...seeing how they multiply it's probably harmless to their cause.

Long Beach Pride this weekend, I believe we're going to at least one gay event... perhaps even fork up the cash to go into the grounds? 20 bucks seems like no.

What's really going on though?

Nothing, I'm stuck in a cycle that's sometimes comforting and always.... detrimental, as usual.

*bows*

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about gay marriage. He said the battle was over, and all we have to do is wait for death to work her magic and all the old folk go bye bye. Statistically, I think he's right, emotionally I would hope he's right.


...something bad is going to happen, and all the gays are gonna get blamed.

Duh.

FUCK THIS SEMESTER... JUST END!!!

Can someone write my Capote paper??? Jackie you need money for mothers day riiiiight??



ugh. at this point im going for Cccccc's

There's nothing in my way but myself.


Oi! Fuck Me.

Vegas beat my ass.

hmm Cunt was very appropriate.

Miss California IS a Cunt.

I think at one point I was delusional, seeing things that were never there. Wait nevermind that's not true at all. I knew everything that was going on, I just chose to deny it.

Why do we do that?

Jesus christ I'm getting older and some things always stay the same, and some things have to change.

Fortunately, I choose to see that.


On another note...

She is getting married in a week...
He's moving to long beach soon...
She is texting in fear...
Another is doing her thing...
One is always herself...
While the last is long forgotten.


Oh! I got my Depeche tickets for Kimmel...


FINALLY.

Ugh.